Relationship Advice – How to Attract a Relationship Despite Discomfort around a Specific Person

What do you do if the person you are not yourself around is the person you want to attract a relationship with?

We have all known someone like that, usually in a romantic sense. We have all been involved with a person who has upset or hurt us, resulting in our future interactions being filled with reactions from confusion and a damaged sense of pride when all we wanted to do was relax and be our best selves. We have all been involved with the people who had this effect on us but whether or not we chose to stay in those involvements was entirely up to us.

Choosing to stick around someone who makes you feel this way or use all your strength to walk away from them is a reflection of your personality, awareness, and, most importantly, your level of self-confidence. You might think you don’t deserve better or that the other person does so you feel the need to stick around until you figure out how to give them what you believe they deserve. You think that giving them what you feel they should have would make you happy but the flaw to this plan rests in the idea of putting them ahead of yourself.

A healthy relationship is about balance and equality, not about engaging in emotional compliance. However, particularly strong feelings for another person might cause you to engage in it without them ever asking you to, causing you to fall into codependence of your own making. This type of emotional state comes from the fear of losing what you have and the need to get what you want from this person, produced by a false conviction of being unhappy or a complete failure if you can’t make this relationship work.

I think that throughout our lives we have been taught to look at successful relationship through the eyes of need. You need a good man/woman. You need a good boyfriend/girlfriend. You need to stay away from bad boys/girls. You need someone you can start a family with because you need to get married and have a family of your own. You need someone or you’ll end up lonely. You need the right man/woman to complete you. Really? If that is what we need and not want, what’s the point of falling in love?

I can answer that as well. The point of falling in love is to enjoy it. We want to be in relationships with the people we love because we love and not need them. Need has nothing to do with another person – we make a choice to be with them.

If need were such a strong factor in choosing relationships, we would all be with the first person we see in the street. If it’s all about need, why not choose the closest one to you and fulfill your needs? Why? Because it doesn’t work that way. It is the level of joy another person gives you that makes you believe you need them somehow – you derive more happiness than you’re used to from them (because all you’ve been searching for until then was need) and suddenly, you feel undeserving and afraid that you might lose it.

At the same time, this doesn’t happen with the people we aren’t ourselves around. They don’t give us joy – they reflect the parts of us we feel like we’re missing and with it, cause a self-produced sense of need. If the Law of Attraction has already taught us that everything we feel for another person is reflected back to us, I believe the need to be validated by someone we admire reminds us of what we don’t have. It makes us believe that validation from this particular person will turn us into the people we always knew we could be…is that how you feel about the person you want to be with but feel upset by or unsettled around?

If that is the case, you must focus on self-love more than you ever have. You have put your happiness in another person’s hands, even if they didn’t ask for it, and now is the time to put it back into your own. You must realize that nothing will change if you remain in this state. Relationships are mutual and right now, you are alone in it. You cannot comprehend ever feeling positive or relaxed in the relationship you are visualizing, with the person you are visualizing. You must find love within in order to believe you can have it in this relationship. And by that, I don’t mean that the purpose of developing self-love is getting into a relationship – the purpose of developing self-love is to be happy with your life and yourself, regardless of your relationship status. Only if you don’t need a relationship will you be able to manifest one.

In my opinion, the people who make us feel uncomfortable are wrong for us. However, this is just my experience. Whatever you wish to manifest, you can, but you must believe that this is right for you. If it makes you feel bad, you can’t manifest it and you must change it. For me, that change always consisted of walking away.

Now, it’s up to you. Decide and go for it. Decide to feel good or walk away…but make a change. Decide who you want to be and make sure you’re proud of it. Before being proud of being with the person you wanted, become proud of yourself.


  1. Hi Nina
    Got your email and read this post. My question is can you just go nothing? What I mean is can you just not respond them them? Not think about them? I remember you always saying you don’t have to do any “work” – I guess what I’m really asking means you are not making a firm decision like you say above but I’m kinda exhausted now from this and I don’t want to decide I would just like to do nothing.l and just start floating in all areas of my life. Can I just not respond, not argue back with him, basically do nothing? Does this make any sense or does the Universe have to know for sure what you want? It’s just that I kinda feel like I don’t believe in the Universe anymore, like I don’t believe that even any amount of love could turn my situation around and I think possibly I’ve always believed that like I felt naive to think I could create a relationship with him but could attract other things by just blinking my eyes. I kinda feel like I was just being stupid, almost like a “what are you thinking?” Kinda of feeling. Just in working full time I’ve realised I’ve been chasing the money and it’s making me miserable, I can’t remember the last time I asked the universe for anything and everyone keeps saying I’ve changed and I’m not as happy as I was and I never say “ask the universe anymore” infact someone said something to me yesterday and I said “that would be just my luck” for something to go wrong. Working full time and being part of the system has really ruined things, I thought I’d be happy to have this money coming in and it hasn’t done anything more for me than when I was working in terms of happiness.
    I just wanna float and do no work at all and by no work I don’t mean go on welfare, i want to work partime, but what I’m really trying to say is that I want things to be easy all the time in all areas like it’s apparently meant to be yet no area in my life is going smoothly or how i feel it should be. I think I just don’t want to visualize anything and I don’t know if I’ve just given up on life but I caught some of my thoughts the other day and it ranged from “what’s the point” and the feeling was just like not wanting to go on and i don’t mean to end my life It was more like um I can’t find the words – it was like just wanting to float or float away and not feel or think anymore. Hope some of this makes sense. Maybe i do want it all without “the work” ?


    1. The only work to be done is within yourself – staying positive about what you truly want. I think the problem here is that you are unsure of what you want because of his negative traits yet nothing better is coming so you keep your attention on this relationship. Things can only get easy when you decide that what you want is yours or that you genuinely don’t mind whether or not it ever manifests.


      1. Hello Nina

        For someone who has never met neither me or him – I think you have hit the nail on the read with remarkable accuracy. You’ve indicated that I dont know what I truly want and i know that anyone may have been able to gauge that with my ups and down on this site and when I keep seeing things that freak me out – its true I sway. Apparently I am that kind of person i do find it hard to make a decision with anything. I do go back and fourth and in the email the other day you said that you think he is socially awkward. I will get to that part.

        Well, today we saw each other, for 10 minutes or so – I went and dropped some stuff off. After hearing that lame excuse again about being busy I text him and said I will be coming to your house this morning and I will leave the items on the letter box and to make sure he is home to collect it. I really felt I had to put my foot down. We had been arguing through text messages the night before and I had asked him to meet me in 2 weeks time at a chocolate place near his house. He did not respond to that so i thought hes not going to answer – screw it! I am just going to go there and get this over with. As I am on my way to his house (shitting myself, let me tell you, I had a small panic attack in the car because It’s not like me to do anything like this, especially with him.) I get a text saying that he CAN meet me in 2 weeks and that it was up to me if i wanted to go to his house today or wait for the 2 weeks time. I was already driving and on the highway so i said i was coming now. I did not expect him to come out of the house, but he did.

        I forgot how tall he is and how quietly spoken he is. I forgot his stupid sense of humor. When he saw one of the items you could see he was surprised and moved and said it was beautiful and kept staring at it. You know the item I am speaking of? The one that was sent overseas for repairs and while he is looking in the bag I was looking at him, his hair and his face.

        The part about you saying he is socially awkward? Well, thats what he kept saying, you could see he was nervous and screwing up his words, he made some silly comment about me bringing stuff to the poor (which made me feel bad because I thought he was referring to me always saying to him why doesnt he want better) Oh. As i am sitting here I have just realized what he meant. The company I work for – we help people in need, poor, domestic violence, drugs, not able to find work (list is to big to write). That wasn’t what I was doing. I wasn’t giving to him because I think he is poor, at the time of buying those things I did it because I loved him, not because I thought he was poor. Or was i? I dont think so. I just remember picking things up thinking he would like that.

        He kept saying “this is so awkward” and obviously that wasn’t a good thing to keep hearing. He said ‘didn’t you think I would meet you?” and i said you just said the night before that you’re too busy to have more people in your life but apparently he was going to meet me. But would he have met me if i didn’t have those thigns for him? That’s what I keep thinking.

        I thought, because I was angry, that when I saw him and was next to him I would think, “Ewwww!” but I didn’t, the opposite and what I think is bothering me the most is coming to this site and admitting to you, myself and everyone reading this that I still like this person and have hope. My question is, am i completely and utterly stupid?


  2. Love this piece ….. so well put . Detached attachment always helps in this case. Whether it’s your family or friends . And yes , out of experience , I have been around a lot of people who border in NPD …. it’s been hell. After several years , I realised the importance of putting oneself ahead of others! Not being selfish or self centred but more self love .

    Liked by 1 person

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